So long and thanks for all the Fish.
I totally get it now.

Thanks for the gifts. Who knows if I learned anything from it.
Who knows whether or not I can fish- but I got some fish and we are here to talk about the fact that you gave me enough to get by.
And now I'm leaving.




On to something new. While that may be awesome, fantastic, and super fun and profitable and progressive for me, (MAY being the key word) where does that leave the fish-giver?
Does anyone ever think about the fish-giver?

I have to an extent. But that doesn't do much but cause guilt- not appreciation.
Mainly because I am living in their world and expectations while I am attempting to feel my way through to a whole new way to fish that will change the way we consume and market and even eat fish. That was a little bs, but whatever. -side comment

In any case, I have been thinking about my fish givers. What happens to them after I suck them dry of fish and I move on? Did I leave them happier then when I came into their life? Did I leave them distraught or miserable? Did I change them in anyway where they can look back and be like, "hey man, thanks for YOUR fish."

My grandma did that to me. she thanked me for the time we had recently spent together. She looked at the time, and saw the good in it... no matter all the other stuff that went on around us... (families are like whales... they'll run into your fish net, break it and eat everything in their path... delicious or not, just to consume)
In any case, I am thinking about her and all these people that pop in and out of each others' lives and I am wondering, 'what is the purpose in this relation?' 'are you here to help me or just yourself?' 'Do participating groups feel that this can be mutually beneficial?'

I have recently asked for some fish- fish from someone I have taught different fishing tactics and kinds of consumable ocean products.
You don't get what you don't ask for.
They have refused and also made it a very difficult task to accomplish now.
Then they call it ethics. Ethics is an easy out. So I say, so long. Fuck you and your fish.

TWO

The existence of two isn't too bad.
It isn't as though this singular duo is the only thing that exists at all.
Other twos exist, same with threes and therefore fours.
Past that, it gets into tree-graph math. or psychology, or spiritual philosophy.
Who really wants to get that close? I did. Now I don't. or I don't, now I do. I can't decide

If I hit a number higher than four, i hope that it does not derive from two.

i scare myself

I found this note I wrote about six months ago.
It was prophetic in relation to my current thoughts and mind, and seemed to jolt my brain into a creepy sadistic cycle.

This is what it said:

" - Time is an illusion- lunch time is doubly so.

- very deep, you should tell that to Reader's Digest. They would pay for people like you.
- drink up
- Did I do something wrong or has the

[continued on the inside of the quad-folded paper in a really awkward place]
world always been like this and I have been to wrapped up in myself to notice."



then I realized that I was just writing down quotes from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

I found my dream trumpet, btw.
it is still purple.
$100, pawn shop in Banning, CA.

They also have awesome electric mandolins and tools and things. i have some images of spanish guitars they had, but I don't care to post them.

I will start with thursday-

only because the events that had happened within the week before can be forgotten or misplaced in time. except for the book signing for the bloggist Ruby Bell. I want to remember that that happened in February of the 11th year.

PLUG PLUG

Wait. holy shit. This is already the NEXT friday/ Saturday . oh man...

On thursday the 10th of February, my final 'safe' space was finally taken from me.

My mother's house became officially off limits to me for numerous reasons.

1. I do not have a formal paying job and trading my labor, knowledge and experience, for food, shelter, healthcare, and communal protection is not satisfactory. It wouldn't be for most people, since I cant purchase extravagantly, but I have been MORE than happy to share what i got and so have these people.

2. I got caught cooking pot cookies in that house. but seriously, if my sister didn't have such a crooked stick up her ass, she would have appreciated the care i put into it.

the color alone plus the soft buttery aroma would have let her know that the two hours I spent cooking the butter would have made ANYONE want to try one of my cookies. and it has. freaking raw vegans want to try. an anti-marijuana pro-hemp advocate was interested in my foods. enough gloating, nyna. She was so mad at me for that and because of reason number three I can't return to my mother's house:

3. The same day I was caught cooking, I was also not around earlier when my mom collapsed. Her body is not in too great of shape so she was due for a blood transfusion. so she got home from work, showered and was getting ready to drive herself to the hospital, until she collapsed. She has been known to do this- she actually has driven herself many times to the hospital because she 'didn't feel well', waited in the waiting roomfor however long, then when seeing the doctor, telling them her symptoms, shehas been considered technically/ statistically dead. My mother is okay though. But since I was not around to help, my sister considers me not useful in any way and therefore not wanted.

So as I was finishing my mixtures in baking when my sister came home, freaked out and then took it upon herself to gather all the things I had, whichfills about 2 square feet and threw it in our patio and tells me to take what i can carry and leave. If i need to store things temporarily, i can use space, NOT in the house.

Oddly enough, my ManCompanion was having this same issue with our boss and at that time was on the brink of getting disposed of like I was. He happened to be waiting outside for me with a friend of ours and as they were out and about, I just sat in the car the rest of the night crying.

The next day we threw an impromptu-ish party at our home/warehouse/studio/ company headquarters we had people in and out all day in the space, marketing, trying to sell what situation had to offer. we made no money.

we also got jipped out of money since the person organizing the business formalities did not collect the required deposit for the space from some of our vendors. It was a bit disorganized and not the scene me nor my mancompanion were expecting. But a lot of neighbors came out and they seemed alright. They just came to see what was going on. All the shit that had happened that night like the guy who got his foot stomped, things like that came from bad company. There was a lot of vibes that i was just not down for. There was one guy who got mad at me because I was smoking js w/strangers and fucking with his business. It was like, really? I am working this party too, having a fantastic conversation with some people and chillen hardcore andyou are going to reprimand me for doing what I do? Fuck that. i like to give.

my business was tampered with when one of his colleges did not pay for the space, so minimally, i am required to have a good time and AT LEAST make friends.

I thought this was funny to see in clean-up. Someone drank a budwieser with a lady straw.

In anycase, place was trashed, no one was allowed to stay the night in our psuedo domestic setups because our boss went crazy in the middle and started yelling at anyone he came across. demeaning anyone who he couldn't fuck or fuck over. (a little rude, but needed to be said)

That night we rolled out some green carpet we had stored, made a nice 20'x10' hilled meadow, and set up a tent near the parking entry. Then we projected movies all night and morning and ate chips and salami with pepperjack cheese.

At this point, saturday morning, one of the promotors came by with people to help the final stages of cleanup. We were already done so we just took apart the tent and then made a new viewing area for movies. we dragged 4 couches (one for each of us that remained) to that corner and we played cards.

Then SOMEONE had the bright idea to go snowboarding.

Three of us agreed. My man companion has snow sport equipment for two, so we loaded the well-maintained seafoam green subaru and headed out towards the route you take to vegas. We made stops... drove out... all that stuff that you pick up when you leave on a whim at 10pm or so. We made it to some town called Banning, which is in the middle south ish area of San bernardino and Riverside. I think. ... Something like that. But the greyhound station on their deserted strip only had one take off time. (I have to ALWAYS have a way 'home')

There is a casino nearby. We went to that place. but first I was taken to an outlet mall to get gussied up. The promoter did not like my attire and considers me too masculine, (but 'down as fuck so you're cool') so he bought me clothes that he didn't understand how I pulled off. I like old lady clothes, so he bought me an old lady dress that somehow I STILL made sexy. I was also given shirts and undergarmets. I guess I was just that dirty looking.

cigarette break.

My passport had expired the day before we got there so I was watched like I was the only thing in there. I wasn't able to drink or gamble. not that I needed to, but its cool. I did my nyna thing... wandering while everyone with me wonders what the hell happend to me.

We got back to the room, drank a lot and played rummy. I didn't understand how to play until the last night there. I just kept making really really aesthetically appealing card arrangements then placing them down, then saying, "I think I'm done." then everyone was like, :what are you doing? that hand doesnt even make sense;

I was just really really high.

"well yeah, a hobbit would carry a hobbit up a mountain. it just makes sense."

A little nonsense... yaddah yaddah, broken doors, mean concierges, etc.... normal things for some people. but not me. So i refused to let my ManCompanion speak first. I dont want to be looked at like I am up to no good. Cause we are not. We were also called one of the worst psychic pairs you can come across. Which was funny in itself. Apparently people want us to use some of our skills for things other than healing. ha ha.

next morning/afternoon we get back to the warehouse with his things piled by the door. Our arrangements and collections of things completely redone and arranged to be as someone else would have wanted.

Now was another one of those times where you have 5 minutes. Get what's most important to you and get out. He grabbed his medical supplies and I grabbed a change of clothes and our garden. As we had our arms full, we realized our ride promoter friend was gone. he ditched us. he ditched us with some of our more monetarily valuable possessions like our video projector and xbox (which was someone elses).

I love the world. Such good people seem to be coming out and spreading such good examples of humanity.

We loaded up my MC's car with all the trash and recycling (still our responsibility) and our things and we just drove.

we landed at his moms house and she gave us tea and pastries and gave us good momma advice. i was like, 'damn, she doesn't even know everything and she STILL says the right things.'

go moms.

Then we leave, and I call my grandma. She has been wanting to meet my companion for a while, so i was like, lets have dinner! and shes like, yes! come over. So we all hang out, and it was a freaking trip. Thats all Ill say.

we stayed the night, took a walk, talked about health solutions and religion. She cracked jewish grandma jokes, and everyone was happy. We gave her one of our flowers from our garden. We did our laundry, left it there to dry and left for Santa Monica for one of his clients we needed to see.

We expected to get back because we like my grandma, and her house has a lot of good uses of natural energy. from the architecture itself to the use of solar sky lights and all that jizz jazz. I also like her books. My man C likes the choice of art in her house.

On our way to this person in Santa Monica's apartment, the cops pulled us over for going the wrong way in a one way. obviously... we were lost. but that dont matta. It was a little complicated and it was all in the process to get this and that which we had all the documents proving that, but not the proof that he owned the car itself. anything you can imagine that people could have wrong, it was. so they impounded the car. We had to walk the rest of the way to the person's house.

This person had just gotten back from hawaii and had suffered a moped accident while over there and needed recovery. Her leg was FULL of stagnant toxins and hospital doctors said she would loose her leg, so we both did some work on her. By the end of the hour her leg was clear and more centralized to the injury itself. Man, the glands in her foot were pumpin!!!! shes cool now... her current puss is normal colored.

and now, we got nothin.

i think we decided we were going to try to be normal.

it sits well, too.



These looked like they could be kiwi.
but they were too firm to try
and some guy in a pickup truck in an alley refused to drive
and just watched me.
i didn't feel right eating random growths from trees in front of strangers.

the bottom tree is unrelated besides the fact that it also stimulated awe in me.



One man's trash is another man's treasures.
i wouldn't even change the placement...
AND it comes with wood to build with.

those are the materials,

and this is a mock-up.
a little bit of paint goes a long way. I do hope this mural will be done when i get back. I do want to sit in a fake cafe in the far corner of the space, next to the screen print and the window with no glass pane.
I have been filming and documenting things with photographs. I refuse to be ashamed of carrying around a camera any more. There are too many of those moments that pass that I don't want to not have a camera for. Like a body-shy person's butt crack.






Somehow I have been thrown into my dream come true. And I don't get it. I just don't get it.
It makes me strained and discombobulated.
I am suddenly all-powerful, but somehow restricted. I know that self I can possibly be, and somehow, seriously, SOMEHOW, it got lost.
Getting back to that track is even funkier. I found it- but then my stick broke.

so all i have left are some pictures of some moments that passed

tuesday was so good

yesterday taught me a lot about people as individuals versus federally mandated standards that I have (since i'm a tool and all) ingrained in my head and behaviors as the best (and safest solution) for me and EVERYONE ELSE.

I'm off work at my internship for the rest of the year, so I decided to journey forth and explore the depths of LA in places I haven't seen in years and ways that I have not experienced in this city. Public trans in LA is good. I like it. pretty fast. no complaints here.

I wanted to go to Culver City. I dig the art scene... or did. or whatever. clean buildings, triangular streets. So me and my travel companion decided to bus it around. He was stuck on seeing the Museum of Jurrassic Technology. I didn't care to. He refused to stop heading in that direction. I continued to protest. Alas. It was closed. we were both okay.

I cheered and danced outside in the rain because I didn't have to go, but I couldn't figure out why he was happy too. then I turned around and realized it was because there was a farmer's market across the street. open in the crisp drizzles.

As we ran across the street and wandered a bit. we sat at an italian restaurant and watched for a while over a beer and decided our goal for the market.

we were going to barter. we took inventory on the things we had with us that day- not too much, some gold and zinc pellets, pancakes, and some other organic substances. (I have been looking into herbology and roots and things)

We wandered together and separately, discussing with people their products and things, conversed, made some good friends and associates, and then offered some trades. Some people were so amused by us that they just gave us stuff. Some of the people just liked something about us so they offered more. and told us all their locations. we kept trading and trading more and more things that we aquired.

Here is the list of what we had recieved:

1 pommegrante

1 ginger juice- later traded for a bottle of champagne at a liquor store for celebratory purposes of success of the bartering in our current system

1 ginger/ chlorophyll juice

1 mushroom- I can't remember the name. starts with an M, looks like a flower. petal-like spores. can be eaten raw... cant stop eating raw. the other name is something like _____ ear. or ear of the _______.

1 celery root- I cut 1/3 of it off and am hydrating it with cilantro, onion and jalepenos in the water to see if it can grow celery of a different flavor....

1 bundle of kale

1 bundle of cilantro

Between two people- two people spent $4 for an entire day.

Pack your water. and know how to get home.

Thats all I have to say.

I never made it to any galleries.

No one asked questions. people just wanted the direct truth and were more than willing to help. Some people were there to feed people and provide the product they loved. Others were there to sell. But in any case, everyone was open to the possibility to give and receive anything that they could use. pellets of metal aren't really worth anything monetarily, but if the lady at chocovivo sees value in that little something I have, it means a lot to me.

Thats all. people are kind and have a sense of humor towards life. and I like it.

Traveling back to the valley for a meeting/ appointment, we ended up in Koreatown at a recently opened thrift shop. Only furniture and appliances. REALLY good deals. Hector is the man.

My companion works is holistic wellness and is setting up to open a wellness center. So as business was being discussed and whatnot, I happened to get a free massage from this japanese machine that scans and rolls muscles out. It was lovely.

Then journey journeys journeys and I end up at the most beautiful christmas house that is like a pirate ship inside. We drank whiskey and smoked a joint.

Conclusively, I have decided value is arbitrary. the humanistic connection and time shared between two people, whatever the exchange may be is where the value really is. The understanding of a person as them, beyond any wants and motives can really show what and how that person would be willing to give. All kinds are wonderfully unique.

For the next 24 hours, take everything you want.

i have no purpose

I think I might be boring.

I have recently started seeing someone. We get along really, really, well and have the same sort of spontaneous habits, and other kinds of ways of being. Except he's like that ALL THE TIME. Which is kinda awesome to watch and be a part of part time. He also can answer certain questions that are hard to answer, much less find people with responses at all. But since the changes in my life, it doesn't seem that unattainable anymore.

He is the person most excited besides me about my fruit map. He knows the kinds of trees and plants to pick to make teas out of.

He is also curious about everything and believes that he can do anything he wants to. And he does.. It may take him a while, but he does everything he says he will and will learn everything necessary along the way.

In any case, thinking/watching his "jack of all trades" behaviors makes me think of having a specialty. (only because I am in this particular dilemma- he is not. nor do I want to see that change in any way)

Having this little bit of everything and not a whole lot of one thing is good in some cases. It makes for great conversations and perpetual curiosity. But at the same time, only on the cusp of any sort of real involvement in any one thing. (cusp is the wrong word. cusp is like about to be in the fullness... kinda implies having some anticipation and more-ness, but I'm not talking about that in this story. I'm thinking more like....outskirts, or surface, depending on your map of things.) There is no way to specialize in anything or become the master of your domain. Which is fine... i guess.

I enjoy myself with my ever-moving and seemingly endless enthusiasm, but then what? I think i may be doing spontaneity wrong if it may become boring. MAY become boring. this is just preemptive cognitive thinking.

i guess its just that part of the cycle. (shrug)

I cant figure out what Im trying to discover from this. maybe it's that I am not spreading wide enough, OR i am not digging deep enough. one or the other, but not both.

So i created this map in my head of what people are. Trying to find justification on some of these connections between people. I can draw the parts I'm in (my version at least), but I cant write it. I apologize. But I did find this article that describes it almost exactly as I have created this Utopian mapping of belief practices.

handy.

I have no idea why I wanted to write all this. possibly to share that article?

The article discusses "regions" or centrism where (as I read it) are focuses of life and interests. A person would become involved in certain areas of expertise, and whether fully indulges in it or not, is automatically a part of it.

I want to leave it at that, but now, as the BBC version of Arthur Dent said, - nevermind... I can't find the paper with the quote on it. but it dealt with his narcissism overpowering his thought to where he couldn't see beyond himself to what is actually going on with the world. or something. and lunch.